It's not your fault.

Today I received a message from one of you guys asking for my help so I'll be answering on here. This particular reader said:

"Dear Luke

I'm going through a really bad breakup and idk how to stop thinking about my ex. I'm a gay teen in cape town, and I've been having a rough time getting over my ex. We were official for 2 months, knew each other for 4, and broke up roughly a month and a half ago. During our time together I ignored a lot of red flags. He was never emotionally open with me, wasn't out to some specific people in his life (like his 7 year old sister) so we could never be a couple at his place, he constantly promised me that he would get better with going out, but he didn't, he just got worse and we eventually had to stop going on dates.

He randomly broke up with me one Saturday morning, on call, straight after exams after making it seem like everything was fine the day before. After we broke up, he told me that he "confused love for friendship" so I really have no reason to still be hung up on him lol. I just, I can't stop thinking about how I coulda saved the relationship that was really hurting me. I don't even know any gay guys besides him, so I don't have anyone to rebound off of. How do I stop feeling so bad over a guy who clearly didn't give a shit about me?"

Dear Reader,

First of all, break ups are hard, and scary and messy and everything people are too afraid to admit on social media. I think you'd find a lot of people commenting that "It was just 2 months, get over it" or "You don't even know what love is" or something along the lines of "if he just left you like that the relationship probably wasn't that great anyway." The thing is, the two of you clearly had very different views of your relationship. While you thought things were fine, even though the circumstances weren't the best, he was pondering when to end it all.

Now I'm not saying you were delusional, as you said you missed a lot of red flags - and that's okay, you were vulnerable. No one deserves to get broken up with over the phone when they've felt they did nothing wrong. It doesn't provide any clarity, which is why you're still struggling a month and a half later, because you're trying to piece it all together. The break up left you confused, hurt and betrayed - in a lot of ways he walked out with less baggage because he gave it all to you. You're allowed to be upset.

The love you gave him he clearly didn't appreciate or reciprocate, but you didn't do anything wrong by opening up your heart to him and it's surely not a reason to blame yourself for the relationship ending. Our minds usually go to a dark place by blaming ourselves when something happens that's out of our control. You couldn't fix something that you had no control over, and I need you to know that.

People grieve in different means and it's not always textbook related. It could take a day, a week, a month, even 7 months to get over someone, it sure took a while for me. You don't have to feel like your process of grieving is too slow or too fast, and a rebound is surely not going to fix the months of damage inside. Take it from me, a rebound is like putting foundation over a face full of scars. It makes you look nice and pretty on the outside but underneath it all you still look exactly the same.

Be patient with yourself, your mind and your soul. Tomorrow is always a new day, and when it may seem like you can't find tomorrow and you'd like to go back to yesterday just remember that each day it will hurt a little bit less, I promise. All wounds heal, they just take time.

All my love,

The relationship expert.