The problem with "The one that got away."

Imagine this: I was seventeen, fresh in the dating pool. And I met this guy on the apps, of course, who was taking a gap year before he decided to study web development a year later.

Sam, as I'll call him, was a refreshing change from the guys I would usually go for. Sure, he was easy on the eyes, but he also seemed extremely attentive and compassionate and had a habit of actually listening to me and seeing me for who I was. And I loved that, I was a teenager and all I ever really wanted was for someone to actually listen to me.

But as all things go, a month down the line he ended things. He told me he was struggling with coming out and had a lot of anxiety surrounding his family. I did my best to understand, but I was still heartbroken. After all, this seemed like the perfect guy? After a few months I started dating my ex boyfriend, but I kept in touch with Sam well enough to see he had gotten a boyfriend in the next year. Now, I wouldn't lie if I said that didn't feel like a jab. Even though I did have a boyfriend, one who I loved very much, I remember thinking, "If only the timing worked out." or "If only I had waited a little bit longer." Thus I came up with several illogical reasons why it didn't work the first time, but why it would work had I had a second chance.

My so-called second chance didn't pitch for another three years, long after my ex called it quits. Although, in my first year of university I did get coffee with Sam to catch up with him, unfortunately finding out he was still in a relationship, whereas I was newly single. And again, I presumed it was because of timing being a tricky motherfucker. Two years later, as third year rolled around and I was choosing my major and catching up on piles of readings for my seminar, Sam sent me a text. I answered back, confused as it was a bit out of the blue, and so began a string of conversations, eventually leading to meeting up for pizza, and then dinner, and then a movie, and so forth.

And I thought, as delusional as can be, that this was it. That all the pain and the suffering and the immense heartbreak I had to deal with over the past few years was worth it because Sam was back in my life, and this time I knew he had to stay. After all, he was perfect for me, wasn't he? I couldn't be more wrong. Turns out, I didn't know Sam nearly as well as I thought I did. Sure, he was a good person with a kind heart, but he gave me a lot of anxiety. He would text me every day, yet I never knew what he was thinking when we were together in person. After some time he began growing distant, which led me to push harder. Gone were the " Good morning, beautiful." texts, and I was on a mission to figure out why. Eventually, I called him, which prompted him to say he wanted to focus on his career and didn't want a relationship to get in the way of that.

And that's when it hit me - I'd been so stupid. I had built an entire narrative around a guy I barely knew because I dated him for a month and a half four years ago, and thought it had been the universe's doing for us to end up together again, purely because he was nice and treated me well. In retrospect, he just did not value me above or on the same means as his career and his family, which isn't a bad thing, but definitely not a trait I'm looking for in a partner. His likeable personality did not equal to us being compatible.

I just solely constructed an entire reality in my head and was mortified when it ended, and for what? Just because you get along with someone does not mean that being with that person would have worked out in the long run, nor is it at all a slim determining factor. People romanticize this idea of "The one that got away" even though they have no evidence if it would have led to anything besides heartbreak in an alternate world. Not just that, but you also end up comparing everything in your life that can be good, to what "could have been." That process is detrimental to your love life and will eventually lead to insanity. If you think that a relationship wouldn't have ended if you had just acted differently, you need to realize that that relationship was going to end no matter what. No matter what, the guy would have left, you would cry, and life would go on.

So, the moral of the story - don't go back to someone who already left you once, and take it from me. As someone who got their second chance, see it for what it is - a repeat mistake.

All my love,

The relationship expert.