The thing about sex.

All my life, sex has been built up in my head by the people around me to be this amazing, life-changing thing. Losing your virginity is supposed to be thrilling, enticing and all in all revolutionary. And even though that thought is quite narrowminded, the idea of sex terrifies me.

Hookup culture is on the fast track of becoming the new normal, preferred over first dates and long term stability, and I hate that. It's not that I never tried sex, but none of my experiences have ever been good. Whether I was a top or a bottom, I never felt anything except uncomfortable. So, always when the opportunity arose, (which wasn't rare, but also not common) I let it pass. Sex has never been that important to me, and it might sound so overly said but I prefer holding hands while watching movies and kissing in the rain, even though the idea is cute but the action is super impractical, and cuddling while falling asleep. That's what gets my heart going. And my heartbeat has never been slower than when I'm trying to have sex.

I guess it could be an anxiety thing. I'm always way too stressed about anything and everything to even think about sex, but I feel like there's more to the story. Asexuality and Demisexuality could fall in line with my link to sex, but those options were already deeply considered. So where does one draw the line? It's easy to feel like there's something wrong with me since gay men are "supposed" to be great at one specific thing in particular, let alone wanting to be. And it's even easier to feel like no one understands, because in all fairness - no one ever really has.

I would never consider myself the hookup type, which makes me seem overly careful when it comes to dating, but even sexual acts leave me fragile and guilt ridden about where things could go, and I have a very difficult time working through that. Maybe I have a bad relationship with the idea of sex, or sex itself. I know the problem doesn't lie with my body or my perception of it, but I wish I could know all the answers when it comes to sex as I apparently do with dating.

Has anyone else ever experienced this?

All my love,

The relationship expert.