Falling back into old patterns.

Honestly, falling in love is a real shit show when you're so young. I mean, I'm twenty, unsure of where life will take me, and it feels like I'll never fall in love when I'd like, and only will when I don't want to. Falling in love is a tricky bastard, and even though someone could get you on so many levels, they can misunderstand you on so many others.

Which is why my head is all over the place. I feel uninterested in any man I meet, as if trying to strike up a conversation is a lot more effort than it used to be. Dating tires you out, and sometimes you need a break. Although it feels like I've been taking a break for months now, and not much has changed. The last guy I somewhat dated happened seven months ago and turned out to be a complete narcissist, who is now dating a friend of a friend. Talk about awkward.

Amongst it all, I had support from one person who I've been on and off with. To be honest, he's one of the few people I actually enjoy talking to. Conversations flow, the chemistry is there, but it's the "living in completely different cities" part that turns me off. Albeit the fact that it felt like fire when he kissed me, our way of everything always leading back to the bedroom had a way of making me feel empty inside. It's like everything was fine in the moment, but afterwards I found myself regretting my lack of self-control.

Was I attracted to him? Absolutely. Was I in love with him? Definitely not.

Not that it would have made anything easier had I been in love with him, or had he wanted a more serious title for us, but it forced me to ask myself, "If this isn't going anywhere, and you're killing yourself over it, why are you doing it?" I ended up listening to a podcast of Alexis Fernandez, where she talked about using your birthday as a checkpoint in time. Make a list of everything you're unhappy about in your life, and ask yourself whether you'd be okay with those factors still being present by your next birthday. All in all, the facts do not lie.

It was a hard thing to do, but the right choice isn't always easy. I want to connect with someone, and even though I'm young, if I choose to keep making reckless decisions, it'll eventually catch up to me, and I'll realize that a little too late. As much as I hated coming to this conclusion, it was clear that this guy was keeping me emotionally unavailable - at least enough to be missing out on something that would make me a lot happier than hookups and hangovers. He does mean a lot to me, but I know I can't be with him.

So, it's time to start fresh. To take some time and reset. And I'm here for it.

All my love,

The relationship expert.